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Jan 3, 2011

I don't have to be perfect!

I know that one of the things people are sorry most of all when they are facing death is that they did not live the lives that THEY wanted but rather the lives that somebody else expected them to live. I've come to realization of this fact and accepted it. I mean, I've come to realization that life is too short to waste on living somebody else's life and it is too short to spend precious time on something I don't like if I don't have to deal with it. Even if I DO have to deal with it - I should find a way to change it so that I DON"T have to. Providing there is a way, of course.
I've started school and it was obvious from the very beginning that I'd be a good student. So, everybody started to expect me to be good. And although I naturally do learn easily, I was driven partially by these expectations of others and stressed myself out too much because I knew that I "had" to be good. I had to be perfect. Although it helped me in the future to have a full scholarship for college education, it also had brought too much stress.. I still have nightmares where I have to go to school and for some reason - oh no!! - I haven't prepared my homework.. I knew that "good" students would have successful careers.. that they are supposed to be this and that, and most likely to love math and whatever else.. well, if good students do that, I had to, too. I was a good student after all, wasn't I? Well, here is the scariest thing. I've got MS in Accounting. Because in the field of accounting you certainly can make a good career and be successful and make money, right? I've worked as an accountant. I absolutely hated it. No, not fair enough. I could stand it. But just barely. And with all that I knew that I was supposed to enjoy it (after all, how was I supposed to make a career in something I didn't enjoy??). But I could not and did not enjoy it! (And by the way, I don't care much about the math. Oh no, I've just admitted it to myself! Oh...) And that was tough. Knowing that you HAVE to be perfect in doing something and not being able to do so. Since I moved to US, I even tried to find a job in accounting field! Or to find any office position. Couldn't. it's tough enough to find a job for an immigrant, and even more so-in economy like this. So, I am staying at home.. in a meanwhile listening to the stories like "oh, she's only 25 yo but a CPA already!" and others alike. And thinking to myself that "Oh my.. I've already lost 3 years of my career life.. I am so NOT perfect... while everybody else is doing something I am just sitting at home and enjoying my crafts.. What a loser I am". Tough, very tough on my self esteem. BUT!
But.. Suddenly I came to realization that non of that really matters. What is my goal in life?.. It is to be happy and not to spoil anybody else's life. Or even make somebody's life better.. Well, let's see. Would I be any happier if I had a successful accounting career?.. Considering I really don't care much about accounting? I dooon't think so. Am I happy doing my crafts? Oh YES! I made a life of at least one person very happy. And I am doing my best to not spoil everybody else's life. 2 things I enjoy the most in my life.. no, 3 things: being with my hubby, no matter what we're doing, even if it's grocery shopping; crafting (CRAFTING!!!) and traveling - with hubby, of course. I try to do all 3 of them as much as possible. And I am happy. So.. who cares about being "perfect" the way the rest of the world is expecting you to be? Or even the way YOU THINK the rest of the world is expecting you to be? I don't. Not anymore. I will do family finances because after all, I am the accountant in this family. But I won't enjoy it. And I don't have to pretend that I do. Really, I don't have to pretend it even with myself. I can be real with all my imperfect self. I am learning to see my real self and love it. Honestly, I do enjoy it so much. Nobody will give me marks about my abilities anymore. After all, it all comes down to "Are you happy". Yes, I AM. And I intend to stay this way. And nobody will be telling me how I am supposed to live and what I am supposed to be. I am the one who will decide it. I am the one who has to be happy with myself. I am the one who - hopefully - won't have to be sorry on a death bed. I am the one to make a CHOICE.

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